People. Explained.

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This evening I was "profile surfing" on FaceBook. I don't know if anyone else does this, but I rather enjoy it. "Profile surfing" consists of randomly selecting one friend in your friend list, clicking on them, then when their page opens, clicking on one of their friends (that you do not know) for whatever reason (an interesting name, a nice profile picture, the 3rd friend from the top of the friend list, etc.). Profile surfing is most fun when you can read something about the random people that you find. Tonight, I hit on an interesting page. In the "bio" part of the person's "Info" I found the following allegory:

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The differences between men and women are kind of like the differences between dogs and cats:

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When they want your attention, they get it; even if they have to put themself in the middle of what you're doing,
or claw your leg.
Cats value appearances (especially their own).
Sometimes they like to be pet, brushed, and held;
sometimes, they don't want to be touched.
They expect you to cater to their every whim,
they are often moody,
they may hiss, scratch, bite, or just ignore you when they are unhappy, and
they leave hair all over the place.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.

Actually, cats are just tiny women in little fur coats.


Dogs also do what they want.
They can hear food being opened on the other side of the house, but they don't hear some things in the same room.
When they want your attention, they get it; even if they have to sit on you, lick you, or wet on your leg.
Dogs value "fun" things to do.
They like to spend all day sprawled in the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They love combining "fun" things:
Sprawling in a comfortable piece of furniture is better with the addition of food.
Sprawling in a comfortable piece of furniture, watching (or sniffing) fun things, with food, and other friends around -- is even better still.
Dogs can look dumb and loveable -- all at the same time.
They growl and show their teeth when they are not happy.
They love to be pet, scratched, and played with.
They are almost always happy to see you,
they love to greet special people by jumping on them
(some special people get wet, sloppy kisses too), and
they leave their toys everywhere.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.

Actually, dogs are just tiny men in little fur coats.

So, for you ladies out there, be sure you "pet" your man's ego frequently, and be more willing to play. He'll be loyal to you forever.

For the men, work on your appearance, be mindful of your lady's feelings (don't maul her every day either), and listen to her closely. She may not mention she likes it, but she'll notice. She may even throw you a bone. ;)

Happy New Year!

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NOTE: Once again, I've relapsed... it's obviously been a very long time since I've blogged. I did have a great idea for a first-blog-posting-of-the-year, but I didn't sit down and do it right then (or at least make a note of it in my phone), and it has been lost to the deepest recesses of my subconscious. Although unlikely, perhaps in the near future it'll resurface and I'll have the presence of mind to make a note of it.

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This year, I've decided to keep my long-standing New Year's resolution of "Make no New Year's resolutions." (Resolutions which I wouldn't keep anyway.) So instead, I've compiled a short list of areas in my life in which I'd like to see growth this year. Mind you, these are not resolutions, just a rough outline for personal development. Of course I may think of a few more and add them later, but these should suffice for a start:

  1. Love (and enjoy) my whole family more (every day),
  2. Be thankful for everything (and more faithful to pray).
  3. To all sin, be more resistant,
  4. In my life, be more consistent.
  5. Always exhort, edify, and smile at each friend,
  6. Think before I tactlessly stomp toes or offend.
  7. Cast no pearls before swine,
  8. Eat less when I dine.
  9. Repair (or dispose of) anything I find broken,
10. Be mindful not to let one kind word go unspoken.
11. With my lovely wife, always show my passion,
12. With those that need it, have (at least some) compassion.

and...

I might even blog more too. =)

Trumped!

I was surprised to learn President Obama has, once again, made history within a few days of assuming the Presidency. In addition to him keeping his Blackberry (that was a shocker, hope he doesn't get cracked), the White House announced that there is now an "official" White House Blog.

Just what does this bode for bloggers everywhere? I believe it conveys (to everyone not in the blogosphere) some measure of legitimacy to us poor deluded souls that enjoy seeing our lives and opinions posted in an electronic-print format -- constantly read, reacted to, and discussed by friends and total strangers everywhere. There is one other (probably overlooked) aspect that we (as bloggers) should also be aware of: None of us have any chance of making it into the top spot for at least another four years. No, my blogging buds, no matter how long you've been posting -- we've all been trumped. The title of "World's Most Influential Blogger" was captured at the first post of the new blog. (Not like I had a shot anyway.)

Granted, 44 will probably not be making a majority of the posts on the blog, but it is his House now, and his blog. No need to consider the viability of adsense on his blog. (Although, the value of renting the blog's white space would more than pay for the team administering it.) Wonder just what kind of salary I could draw as an "official" blogger for the President of the USA?

I was also wondering just how Obama chose who got to be on the blog-team? No matter what your political affiliation, that would definitely be a very cool business card to have in your pocket. Can you imagine handing your brand-spanking new business card to one of your parents (or a grandparent) and getting to say, "Yes, I'm now the first-ever 'Official Blogger' of the President of the United States." Of course, my family would want to know what a "blog" is, what a "blogger" does, and if it came with long-term benefits. (They're so practical -- and non-tech-savvy.)

I think it would be even better to show up at my high school reunion with that business card. Yeah, the nerd has finally made it big by blogging for the President -- and the school jock is -- what? moving furniture?

The keyboard IS mighter than the letterman's jacket!
At least... for a few bloggers.

My Apologies To Shakespeare:

To Post, OR not to Post, that IS questionable.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous children (in silence)
Or to take up words against a sea of troublesome-ness,
And by exposing, laugh at them?

Thus begins my latest installment of the vagaries of having children:
The other evening Sugee was s'posed to be going potty, washing her hands, then getting into her jammies before having a snack and trundling off to bed. Sugee doesn't always do s'posed to very well -- she has her own little world she inhabits and its... well... different.

After an extraordinary amount of time in the bathroom, I decided it would be wise to go find her. (Bear in mind, this is the same three and a half year old child that two Saturdays ago crammed a Gobstopper up her nose -- as far as she could reach her "pinky" finger!)

This Saturday evening, I found her -- in the bathroom? Yes.
Completely finished and ready for bed? No -- try stark naked.

Furthermore, she was patting at her soaked, wet hair with the used (and very dirty) foot-towel.

Realizing she was merely attempting to copy Mommy, but making a mess of herself, I stifled my smile and laughter, asked what she had been doing, and (of course) received the typical sugar-coated answer of "Nothing Daddy". After some verbal pressure, she did reveal that she had just finished "washing her hair in the bathtub" -- albeit, I hadn't heard any water running (except in the sink) so I was not convinced. Willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, I had her wash her hands and finish getting ready for bed.

Once dressed, she did finally admit that she had NOT used the bathtub to wet her hair.
No . . . my sweet, innocent, blond-haired, green-eyed, cherub-faced daughter had just participated in a SELF . INDUCED . SWIRLY ! ! !

(And for the curious-minded, no: I did not check to see if the water she used was pre- or post-potty -- I really did not want to know.)

I'm hoping she survives being a toddler . . . and that her baby sister doesn't take after her in any way shape or form.

And thus the natives' hue of exploration
Is o'er laid with the hearty cast of memory,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this affection their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of trouble. - Soft you now!
The fair Sugee! Nymph, in my orisons
Be all thy sins -- forgotten.

Dumb People on the Loose

I frequent Yahoo's Odd News section. I love to see what the crazies are doing, as well as what the "normal" people like me are doing to defend themselves against the encroaching mobs. (As the British Royal Observer Corps' motto says, "Fore-warned is fore-armed.")

I ran across this article yesterday. Too bad I passed up that elective in fencing:

Man uses candy cane to subdue attacker with knife
Wed Dec 3, 5:53 pm ET

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – A man using a candy cane lawn ornament fended off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home. Police spokesman Sgt. Norm Leong said the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to subdue the attacker until officers arrived.

He said the 49-year-old suspect became intoxicated, went over to a neighbor's home on Thanksgiving and began waving a kitchen knife at people gathered on the lawn.

He cut several peoples' clothing before one of them decided to fight back.

Police said the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense.

The drunk was only arrested on "suspicion of assault" even though "He cut several peoples' clothing" -- Wow. I'm surprised they didn't go ahead and arrest the victim for carrying a concealed candy cane.

This morning I found another story worth repeating:

Aussies mull breath-test before voting
Thu Dec 4, 1:38 am ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) – Politicians in Australia's most populous state could be breath-tested for alcohol before voting on laws after a series of late-night incidents that have embarrassed the center-left government.

New South Wales state lawmaker Andrew Fraser resigned from his conservative opposition frontbench role after shoving a female colleague in the wake of Christmas party celebrations.

"Breath test this mob," said a front page headline in Sydney's mass-selling Daily Telegraph newspaper. State police minister Matt Brown was dumped from his portfolio in September after allegedly "dirty" dancing in his underwear over the chest of a female colleague after a drunken post-budget office party.

Conservative Opposition Leader Barry O'Farrell said he would support alcohol breath tests for drunkenness for lawmakers before they entered parliament, while Green MPs John Kaye and Lee Rhiannon also backed the plan, along with the parliament's speaker.

"Honestly, if you are going to have breathalyzers for people driving cranes you should have breathalyzers for people writing laws," Kaye told the Telegraph.

I wonder what would happen if we here the U.S. implemented across-the-board monthly drug testing as well as yearly standardized achievement testing for every member of the House and Senate? Maybe our resulting laws would make more sense.

Weird People

I frequent Yahoo's Odd News section. I love to see what the crazies are doing, as well as what the "normal" people like me are doing to defend themselves against the encroaching mobs. (As the British Royal Observer Corps' motto says, "Fore-warned is fore-armed.") I ran across this article yesterday. Too bad I passed up that elective in fencing:

Man uses candy cane to subdue attacker with knife
Wed Dec 3, 5:53 pm ET

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – A man using a candy cane lawn ornament fended off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home. Police spokesman Sgt. Norm Leong said the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to subdue the attacker until officers arrived.

He said the 49-year-old suspect became intoxicated, went over to a neighbor's home on Thanksgiving and began waving a kitchen knife at people gathered on the lawn.

He cut several peoples' clothing before one of them decided to fight back.

Police said the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense.

So the crazy was only arrested on "suspicion of assault" even though "He cut several peoples' clothing" -- Wow. I'm surprised they didn't go ahead and arrest the victim for carrying a concealed candy cane.

Then this morning I found another story worth repeating:

Aussies mull breath-test before voting
Thu Dec 4, 1:38 am ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) – Politicians in Australia's most populous state could be breath-tested for alcohol before voting on laws after a series of late-night incidents that have embarrassed the center-left government.

New South Wales state lawmaker Andrew Fraser resigned from his conservative opposition frontbench role after shoving a female colleague in the wake of Christmas party celebrations.

"Breath test this mob," said a front page headline in Sydney's mass-selling Daily Telegraph newspaper. State police minister Matt Brown was dumped from his portfolio in September after allegedly "dirty" dancing in his underwear over the chest of a female colleague after a drunken post-budget office party.

Conservative Opposition Leader Barry O'Farrell said he would support alcohol breath tests for drunkenness for lawmakers before they entered parliament, while Green MPs John Kaye and Lee Rhiannon also backed the plan, along with the parliament's speaker.

"Honestly, if you are going to have breathalyzers for people driving cranes you should have breathalyzers for people writing laws," Kaye told the Telegraph.

I think we here the U.S. should implement across the board drug testing as well as standardized achievement testing for every member of the House and Senate. Maybe our laws would make more sense

Thanksgiving-ish

Found a blog with a warped sense of history that appeals to me. The title is The History Bluff and their funny Thanksgiving post is the Top 10 Things the Pilgrims Were Thankful For.

I liked most of them, but felt inspired to write my own. Here's my list of
The Top Twelve Things for which I would be thankful if I were a Pilgrim:
12. Grandma wouldn't insist on everyone watching the entire Macy's parade, as well as the pre- and post-show commentary with her. (No offense intended if you enjoy it; I always wanted to read my book without getting scolded during the talking heads, marching Shriners, and juggling clowns.)
11. No Black Friday sales' rush (we had sales 2 weeks ago that were better than the sales I saw today).
10. No television show, "Survivor" on which to compete. (It would be too easy anyway; they lived the real deal.)
9. No Simon Cowell (or hundreds of non-singers abusing my National Anthem).
8. The number of participants in the new world's first talent show would be no longer than the Mayflower's Passenger list.
7. Wouldn't have to prepare a corresponding all-vegetarian menu.
6. The side dishes of giblets, as well as fish-eye soup, were down on the Indian's end of the table.
5. Ties optional for the men; hose optional for the women.
4. After dinner folk elegies performed by the famous country trio: Cotton, Stills, & Mather.
3. Wouldn't have to watch William Bradford clog -- on "Prancing with the Puritans."
2. There wouldn't be any question about whether the Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses were going to come knocking and interrupt dinner.
1. Everyone thought it was "normal" to ask God to bless the food they were about to eat and thank Him for their abundant blessings.

Silly Children

I enjoy children. They have a view of the world that is, on one hand, overly simplistic, but, on the other, is intensely practical. My children have said some things lately that have kept me in stitches.

Nearly every Tuesday night, our church has "Gospel Night" in which the adults go visiting, the girls have a "Charm class" (which is really a craft/dessert-making-class), and the boys have "Karate for Christ" (actually a blend of 4 arts, but we didn't want any of the "stigma" aspects of MMA associated with our church). (By "stigma" aspects I mean: we really don't want droves of "TapOut" mentality teens, just kids wanting to be able to defend themselves).

A week ago Tuesday my family sat down to dinner (prior to Gospel Night). It was Little Bear's turn to pray, and he has been doing a great job for several months now. For some reason, he ended his prayer with (mind you, this prayer is for our dinner), "And please help no one to get killed at Gospel Night." My wife and I snickered quietly, but nearly lost it. It was even funnier when half an hour later, AT Gospel Night, he volunteered to pray and said almost the exact same thing! Other than muscle, joint, and bone soreness from practice, no one's been hurt in any way at Gospel Night, so we don't know why he prayed that prayer -- we do know it was funny to hear.

Also during Gospel Night, just Little Bear's prayer, Sugee walked into the auditorium (late), saw a friend (whose name rhymes wigh her own), raised both her hands in a "ta-da" manner, and said, "_______'s here!" Everyone except my wife thought Sugee said her own name rather than the friend's -- that was good for a 15 second show-stopper.

Our littlest one (4 months old already) wants to grow up and is very strong-willed: she does not like a pacifier, she hates to lie down (unless she's sleepy), if we put her in a reclined seat (bouncy chair) she will try to sit up, and if you hold her hands, she'll do everything she can to walk or jump. This morning little Bright Eyes was put in a baby car similar to this picture -- later, she started fussing. When I found her, all I could see was the top of her head! It seems she had been put into the car with both legs in one leg-hole, been standing the entire time, and finally (after a half an hour!) slipped down to a sitting position deep inside the seat area. We laughed, but she was so mad (thankfully, my wife was the one to put her in the car, so I wasn't in trouble, this time).

Lastly, we have Tank; he says a lot of funny things. My current favorite is his prized red race car: "Lightning TheClean."

I had hoped to write several other things they've said or done lately, but since I made the mistake of attempting to save them all up for one post, most have slipped my mind. In the future, I think I'll need to write smaller posts -- as they happen.

TMI (Yet Still: TLI) in the News

As a young kid, I wanted to be just like my dad: a welder in the Air Force (the realities of the profession changed that desire). As I got older, I dreamed of one day becoming an astronaut or a fighter pilot (but I need glasses). Throughout high school and college I had several other aspirations, all similar: military-intelligence-related. None of which ended up happening.

I've "worked" for the same church since I got out of college, doing different things "on the side." I started by doing small business consulting. Have helped various businees with their incorporation, basic business set-up, implementing records management protocols, automating office work, employee searches, business reorganization, training, and retraining employees. I also still enjoy doing the kind of work that paid for my college education: construction, maintenance, and remodeling. Have done all types of work on houses, apartments, condos, businesses, & churches (from roof, to attic, to ceilings, down to walls, floors, foundations, and everything in between). If I have a preference in my employment, I enjoy doing computer consulting the most. Have built & repaired computers, done systems analysis, network analysis, website analysis, web design, logo design, built & managed websites, as well as trained employees to use applications software (some new software, but usually train them to use the software they already have more efficiently). When other work was slow, I've done other, totally-unrelated work: sold jewelry, driven & delivered vehicles, worked security, even transported hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of cash, documents, and jewelry (locally and domestically; never did international transport). I might someday be able to work for someone else, but I've been self-employed for so long that I enjoy my freedom and the variety of things I'm able to do.

From the list above, you can probably guess I have a lot of different interests. I'm also constantly reading. I prefer to get my news from the internet than from the nightly newscasts for several reasons: I only see the stories of interest to me, if I decide I'm not interested, I move to the next, and because I'm reading rather than listening to a news anchor, I can get through the information faster. The problem with reading the news is so many headlines pique my curiosity. Anything that refers to my interests (current or past), people I know, places I've lived, places my friends live, things I've done, and anything I've ever wanted to do -- all of those articles grab my attention.

One of this morning's articles is a great example: Astronauts prepare to unpack Endeavour's cargo. The headline alone was a show-stopper for me. After I clicked the link I was a bit under-whelmed. I don't think the first sentence was meant to be funny, but I couldn't help laugh at it anyway. "Astronauts aboard the international space station and the newly arrived shuttle Endeavour planned Monday to start unpacking a new toilet and a contraption that purifies urine and sweat into drinkable water at the orbiting outpost." (Note to self: be glad you did not become an astronaut.)

Some of the rest of the article was interesting, but it highlighted a discouraging trend I've noticed in online news: since there are no space constraints (as there are in printed newspapers), news editors are no longer requiring journalists to edit articles as well as they have had to in the past. Rather than keeping the inanity in their stories to bare minimum, reporters seem to revel in it.

I read blogs and editorials for fun and opinion; if they ramble, I expect it. However, from a purely "Journalistic" perspective, I prefer comprehensive, concise detail in my news stories. I'll admit, this particular article was not as bad as many I've read, but Mike Schneider (the Associated Press Writer that filed this Houston-based story) could have written the same article in half the space and kept my attention more closely.

Having TLI (Too-Little-Information) of importance, and TMI (Too-Much-Information) that's frivolous seems to reflect my disappointment with the entire Presidential election-season that just ended. (Also, in the future, I hope they don't last two years; two years of fluff in the news was frustrating.)

Kid-isms -- #1

The other day for dinner, my wife decided that she didn't feel like making dessert (she's 31+ weeks along with Varmint #4... I don't blame her). Instead, she brought out the family-sized applesauce jar from BJ's. When the kids finished their dinner, she started dishing out the applesauce.

The ensuing discussion was great:
---------------------------------
Little Bear: "Mommy! May I please have dessert now?"
Mommy: "You just got dessert; you have applesauce."
Little Bear: "Applesauce isn't dessert."
Mommy: "Tonight it is. If you want any dessert tonight, it's applesauce."
Little Bear: "But that's not dessert -- there's no chocolate in it!"

(At which point, I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.)

What was that?

Two old hillbillies walked into a restaurant, ordered cornbread and beans, and sat down at the bar to talk about the "new" cars that had been added to their junkyard that week.

A young woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table suddenly began to choke. After a few seconds, it was apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies turned to her and said "Ma'am, kin ya swaller?"

The woman, standing by this time, shook her head, no.

As she staggered into the counter, he asked, "Wahl kin ya breathe?"

Turning blue, the woman again shook her head no.

The hillbilly stepped over to the woman and in one quick motion lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her drawers, and gave her left "cheek" a big lick with his tongue.

The woman was shocked and coughed so violently that the spasm sent the obstruction flying from her mouth and across the counter.

Nonchalantly, the hillbilly turned back to his seat and said to his partner, "That shore was simple enuf. I heerd 'em talkin' bout that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' on the radio t'other day, but I hadn't never seen nobody do it before."