Abstractions

Wow. Just realized there were only two posts in the entire month of February... talk about "Blog remission" -- I'm infected! So here's the short version since my last post:

My parents brought my last surviving grandparent down from the cold north for a visit. (The Varmints 3 used to refer to her as "Gate GeeMaw" but recently she graduated to "Gwate Gwamma" instead.) They left Chicago after last month's ice-storm to visit my sister in the mountains of N.E. PA... I'm not sure what the logic was there, but Gramma was sure ready to come see me in south Florida after 2 weeks in that inhospitably-cold climate.

Two humorous remarks from the Varmints 3 lately:
1. (To Gwate Gwamma) "It's OK that you sleep in here (my daughter's room), but you can't play with any of the toys."
2. (Another to Gwate Gwamma) "Are you too old to play with toys?"
3. (To each other) "He (or "she") won't let me share!"

Mom & Dad have decided at least one person needs to stay with Gramma from now on -- in addition to poor hearing (even with the hearing aids) she has frequent memory loss, occasional mood swings, and has trouble walking. This will be difficult for them, but is probably "do-able." (Dad will soon be on his way to Germany for another 2 to 3 month remodeling job for BIMI.) My wife and I enjoy having her here, so they may bring her down more often. She doesn't get around much, but she likes to sit on the couch and fold laundry... something we have an over-abundance of.

After a great two-week visit, we all left sunny south Florida last weekend (7th to the 9th of March) and traveled to Clearwater, FL. My parents and Grandma arrived in Clearwater on Saturday, left the Tampa area Sunday afternoon, and arrived in Chicago this (Monday) evening. They travel fast.

I, my wife, and the Varmints 3 left home early Friday, spent 2 days and a night in Clearwater (for the first-ever CCC ensemble reunion), went to some friends' house in Myakka City Saturday evening (WAAAY better than a motel/hotel stay), attended Sunday morning services in Bradenton, then attended Sunday evening services in Naples, before coming back home late Sunday evening. It was a whirlwind weekend for us. The kids were exhausted... unfortunately for us, their behavior showed it.

I've been working quite a bit to attempt to finish remodeling our church's missionary house into our new assistant Pastor's new home. It's mostly done now: the crown molding is up and painted, the knock-down texture is on the walls and ceilings (and has been painted), the tile and carpet are down. Other than touch-up painting, some of the door trim has yet to be painted and caulked as well. This week I'm attempting to finish wiring in the new outlets, lights, and fans in time for the house to be cleaned on Saturday (church work day).

Actually, I should mention that "assistant" Pastor was to be his title prior to the home-going of our current pastor of 34 years. At 5 minutes to midnight on the first of March, he left us. He was ready to go, but it's been difficult for his wife of 51 years. I'm sure it will be a very long year for her.

I've since been juggling church and work responsibilities while attempting to help her (his widow) as much as possible. We're not sure how well (or not) the transition to the new pastor will go, but we're planning to vote him in as Interim Pastor at the end of the month. We're not sure how long he'll be "Interim-ing" before we either vote again, or he changes his mind (doubtful). Hopefully, everything will go smoothly and with minimal problems... I can hope, right?

On a side note, I finally submitted a short story to a local paper for a writing contest. No surprise: I didn't win, but at least the process got my brain working for a few days. In the coming weeks I'd like to editing... well, maybe re-writing is more like it... it and seeing where else I can send it off.

So that's the current version of life in the Matt lane... never slow... rarely organized... and always changing.

"Restless" Ramblings

Well I've located everything I couldn't find, and just about figured out everything I need to know to keep track of church funds. It's actually not much work, and pretty easy. That was quite a relief.

An even bigger relief was the email I received this evening from our "almost full-time associate pastor" that lives an hour & a half drive away from here: he WILL be here, and preaching for EVERY SERVICE except next Sunday night (the 17th) for the rest of the month!!!

I would have jumped for joy on reading this email, but I discovered it after waking at "oh-dark-twenty." Which means it's the middle of the night, and I should've been in bed sleeping hours ago. However, sometime around 11.30pm, when I finished updating the Parents of Multiples website, I dozed off in front of the computer. This has happened a few times before... actually... I should probably say: this isn't a rare occurrence... ah... well... I think my wife would roll her eyes at that one too. She would probably say: it happens quite often. (So it's a very good thing I've got an extremely patient wife.)

Between studying for messages (which I know I really don't deliver very well, but I still enjoy them), updating the Parents of Multiples website (which I also enjoy, even though I think the site's inherited look and layout are antiquated and in need of a comprehensive face-lift), attempting to keep up with email (impossible), and all the time I enjoy wasting on FaceBook, I tend to fall asleep at the computer much more than I should.

I've attempted to make it very difficult for myself, but I think I'm just too good of a sleeper. If my eyes close, I have about 3 to 5 seconds to get them open, or I'm out. This is a skill I was born with, but it was well-honed as a security guard in college. College also improved my skill of sleeping through almost anything.

Prior to college, nothing woke me unless someone entered my room (somehow my sleeping brain could tell the difference when the dog wandered in and out). When someone did walk in my room, I'd immediately sit up in bed; by the time I was sitting up, I'd be almost fully awake and quite coherent (although I did tend to forget whatever anyone would tell me). Unfortunately for me, that skill is no longer mine. Perhaps too many years of needing naps during the day (to work 4-8 hours every night or 2) took my edge off. Although, I'd almost be willing to put money on the main reason I lost this skill being the large number of times I would sit up from a sound sleep and slam my forehead into the hard metal rail that supported the bunk above mine. (For some odd reason, my roommates always thought that was extremely funny.)

Of necessity, my reflexes eventually toned down to the point that I wouldn't wake up unless someone sat on my bed, but that too passed. Several of my roommates enjoyed seeing my forehead slam that bar so much, that they'd invite guys in from other rooms just to get them to sit on my bed.

My body coped by not waking unless physically disturbed (being physically touched, hit by spit wads, flatulence by my head, etc.). That too passed: many weeks I would work well over 40 hours per week, and desperately needed much more sleep than I could get. (Ah, you may say, there was a limit of hours you could work for the college and still be enrolled full time. But there was a loophole, and I discovered it. I didn't realize how many hours I was working back then, but while culling tax records last summer, I discovered old pay stubs. Security, maintenance, and the computer lab all submitted my hours, and I received separate checks that, had they been totaled together, would have shown my "low weeks" totaled 40 hours. I found a few weeks totaling over 80 hours.)

Needless to say, by the time college was over, I'd gotten to the point that I'm still at now -- for me to wake up, I need to be continuously shaken very hard (30 - 120 seconds), or keep a very loud alarm clock across the room (because I can turn it off in my sleep), or hear a phone ring. I'm not sure how the phone ring wasn't discovered by my ever-resourceful roommates, but I'm glad it wasn't. It's nice to have one "normal" thing that wakes me up.

Which brings me back to my current situation. Although I like a comfortable chair, I know having one is not conducive to keeping me awake, so I replaced it with a round, backless stool on 5 wheels. It rolls very well, so I usually can't sleep long (30 minutes to an hour) before I fall to the floor. I've discovered my sleeping carcass moves very little and has decent balance, so on occasion, I have been known to last most of the night on the rolling stool.

Tonight, thankfully, I did not. The problem tonight was the way in which I dozed off cut off the blood flow to both arms, both legs, and my derrière. So when I began typing this letter I could only move 2 fingers on my left hand (ring and pinky) -- every other appendage (beside my head) was a nearly lifeless club. I've now regained most of the use of the rest of my limbs, and will be trundling off to bed shortly... as soon as I figure out what labels I should put on this post. Too bad it's almost time to get up; at least I know I'll be asleep within a few seconds of my head hitting the pillow...

In Pursuit of "Busyness"

Up until last week I thought I was busy. Now, I know I'm busy (i.e. don't expect an inundation of blog posts in the near future).

Two of us were splitting the preaching while our Pastor's been sick with lymphoma. Since I already taught the kids' Sunday School, Junior Church (Sunday morning), and King's Kids (Wednesday night), I only preach one service: Sunday Night. Prior to the Pastor getting sick, the other guy was only teaching during Sunday School (teens), so he's been preaching for the Sunday morning and Wednesday night services.

Last Friday afternoon I got a call informing me he had resigned from all church duties (evidently, it was too much work for him). The timing could have been better, but thankfully (after talking with the Pastor) he agreed to continue preaching and teaching until our new assistant Pastor gets here (hopefully later this month, or early in March). However, that still leaves me with my **regular duties**, as well as his duties as treasurer. I have yet to find any deposit slips from 2008, or any record of them, or even any offerings; there's one more place they may be (which I'll check tomorrow). At least I finally did get all of last year's church envelopes and a sample of a yearly giving record (not until Thursday, the 7th of February, though). These were supposed to be completed, mailed, and received on or before January 31st.

Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much in the last few days, but I think I'll have them all finished by Sunday morning. Just hoping I don't run out of ink in the printer tonight...

And now... back to my irregularly scheduled workload...


**In addition to teaching 3 classes every week, my "regular duties" include running the church van route (before and after all services), keeping the church's 13 cows (long story) fed daily, remodeling the house for the new assistant and his family (+/-40 hrs/week), singing (or playing) a minimum of one "special" every Sunday morning (sometimes Sunday night too)... and trying to help my wife with our own 3 kids. As you can imagine, the "too much for him" explanation of his resignation didn't sit well with me.**

Back to work

Last Saturday, as our vacation was nearing its end, we went to visit my sister's family in Clarks Summit, PA. The weather was nice (clear & dry with light snowfall) albeit somewhat "brisk" compared to south Florida (windy with temperatures in the single digits & low- to mid-teens). I enjoyed our time there; I haven't been sledding in a few years and they have a nice little hill in their backyard (actually, theire entire backyard is a hill). The biggest unexpected highlight was learning to snowboard! I must say -- it's just as fun as it looks. I took a few minor falls, but sustained no serious injuries -- since I broke the 30 mile-marker several years ago, I've come to expect a few overstretched or pulled muscles every once in awhile.

Prior to Saturday, my vacation "exercise regimen" (excluding eating) subsisted mainly of sitting on the couch reading (or while waiting for my email to load on the wonderful dial-up internet connection), with occasional forays into pushing the kids on the swings, pushing (and riding) the merry-go-round, fetching wood & building fires (only in the fireplace), and brushing snow from the car before driving. The sitting and reading portion was approximately 75% of my vacation -- which I enjoyed immensely. Haven't done that in about a year -- since my Pastor got so ill.

After sledding and snowboarding at my sister's house for several hours, I "loosened up the gunk" in my lungs quite well, and started coughing a great deal. Since my sporadic coughing (every 10 - 30 seconds) was driving everyone (myself included) up the wall, I finally consented to going to a local clinic, where my "simple" cough was diagnosed as a highly probable case of "walking pneumonia" -- over $200 in fees and medicine, yet I still don't know for certain what ails me. Whatever it is, the rattling sounds of fluid are primarily in the bottom of my right lung. Based on my current condition and symptoms, it's likely I've contracted mild cases of pneumonia several times in the past. For some reason, the prescribed antibiotic and cough inhibitor have yet to work as well as the Mucinex DM did. I'm going to try supplementing them with it while working tomorrow (Wednesday). [Edit: It did help.]

When we arrived home, was quite disappointed to discover the lack of work completed on our current remodeling project. Prior to our departure for vacation, I worked several long days and late nights (knocking off between 9.30 & 10.30 pm) to be sure everything could continue unimpeded in my absence. I cleaned up all the work areas, put away every unneeded tool, insulated ceilings, ran wiring, and myriad other little things that anyone could do (yet I knew no one else would have the patience to do) then returned to find: only 2 good days of work were completed. During those 2 good days of work (that took one day less than 2 full weeks to accomplish) no trash was removed from the job-site, no needed materials were purchased, and the building supervisor is still refusing to talk to any workers beside me. I'm not sure what his problem was (is), and don't think I'll be asking -- for fear of losing my temper at his continued petty childishness -- perhaps I shouldn't expect so much of a supposed "mature" Believer. So after unpacking, catching up on some overdue web work, and eating lunch, I put in 4 hours of work this afternoon (Tuesday). I'd planned on mowing, buying cow feed, returning some unnecessary work supplies, and buying more, but it started pouring about 3.30pm, so I quit early.

My wife had a board meeting this evening for the local twins' club. Since I'm the webmaster, we're technically both on the board, but I don't go to the meetings: conversations frequently dwell on topics undesirable to me (the other members are all moms). Usually, the Varmints 3 and I have a good time rough-housing in the living room when Mommy is gone, and tonight was no exception. Around 8.30pm, after a dessert of Jello and a book-reading session (to calm them down) I finally put the 2 youngest varmints to bed, then lasted all of about 30 seconds on the couch before succumbing to a much needed nap. I'm not sure when Little Bear crashed on the rug, but I do vaguely remember him trying to cover my feet with the blanket before taking it to sleep on top of. We were still there at 10-something when my wife came home (she carried him to bed before struggling to wake me). Of course, I did forget the exertion of wrestling would cause me to cough more, so now I can't sleep. While "the gunk" settles, I decided updating the blog would be a good way to keep from disturbing anyone else's rest.

Don't forget your smile

If nothing unexpected comes up, at this time next Monday we'll be in a plane headed homeward. Our first week of vacation was enjoyable. I have coughed quite a bit more than normal, but as long as I keep taking the 12-hour Mucinex every 10 hours I've been fine. (As far back as I can remember I've needed to take stronger doses of medicine than "normal" people -- and usually for longer periods of time than others. When my 4 wisdom teeth were pulled, they told me the dose of anesthesia I took should have put someone twice my weight out.)

This morning I donned my favorite winter-time t-shirt: it's a large yellow smiley face wearing a Santa hat. It works rather well at home in south Florida as well as indoors here in Pennsylvania. On the occasions I've gone outside here, I make sure to bring along an extra flannel shirt and hooded, lined, wind-breaker.

Before breakfast my wife informed me she wanted to go shopping at the shops at "The Promenade." I offered to go with her to "Help watch the kids," which is code for, "Please don't leave me home -- alone -- with the Varmints 3 -- again -- for several hours -- on my vacation!!" She doesn't know the code, yet; I expect it won't be long before she deciphers it.

I'm not exactly certain what attraction "The Promenade" has here in PA. I can understand a bunch of shops grouped together, all with exterior exits (and no interior connecting hallways) in south Florida (if the sidewalks have awnings or some other type of rain protection). I understand it in Florida because it's warm there. We only get a few weeks of weather cold enough to warrant breaking out my flannel shirts. However, here in PA it gets cold -- and very windy -- and sometimes there are large patches of snow and ice to traverse when walking and driving outside. Perhaps outdoor shops are a novelty?

Whatever the attraction, we went. It was cold -- and windy -- and although there was no ice on the ground, little white flakes of snow were whipping past us. After a quick walk-through of L.L. Bean (the Varmints 3 enjoyed peering into the fish tank, Daddy liked browsing through the various multi-tools, and Mommy just wanted to be able to say she'd "Been there"), we decided to go down to Barnes & Noble. The wind was chilly, so we didn't dawdle.

The Varmints 3 weren't impressed with Barnes & Noble. They did enjoy digging under the clearance table in the bins of stuffed Halloween toys -- for all of 30 seconds. Then they admired the various tractor calendars -- that lasted less time than digging in the bins. Then we discovered the Children's section. It had a Thomas the Train table set up (and track glued down) to amuse the little people. I quickly went to the clearance tables, and after a bit, picked 3 books. (I was rather pleased that my 3 books retailed over $75, but only cost me $10.) I went back to "supervise" the train table with the Varmints 3 -- and had a good time with the turntable, roundhouse, and miscellaneous rolling stock they had put out for the children. The other small kids were surprised to see a Daddy on the floor playing with trains, so I got a few free hugs before my wife finished and we left.

Our fun had not yet begun. On the way back my wife and I convinced her Mom, that since we were already out, they should stop for groceries, while I took the kids, went down the road to the gas station, and filled the tank. This car automatically locks all the doors when it's put in drive, or park, or switched into reverse. I've never seen a car lock itself up so often. Before leaving the grocery store I took the ignition key off of the ring (so they could swipe the little discount tag at the checkout). Upon getting out at the gas station, I had the presence of mind to grab my windbreaker (the wind was briskly driving the snowflakes across the top of the hill) and the car key, but didn't think to grab my flannel shirt -- or check to be sure the doors were unlocked before closing my door. I did however, check it AFTER I closed it: the doors were not unlocked. Even better, the ignition key doesn't open any locks (a supposed "safety" feature). Best of all, neither "Nana" nor "Pop pop" have ever used the electronic keypad to unlock the doors -- they don't even know if it works! (In my mind, that just did not compute; why would you purchase a car and not ask if everything on it worked?) While pumping the gas, I calmly called my wife -- so as not to cause a panic in the backseat.

The guy in the store liked my Smiley t-shirt with the Christmas hat. He even laughed when I told him it was a "Little colder here than it is at home in Florida." When I got back to the car, Little Bear was very unhappy when I didn't immediately open the door and get in the car. It didn't help to play "peek-a-boo" either -- he freaked out and tears were flowing immediately. Neither Tank nor Sugee Boogee cried though. They matter-of-factly attempted to unhook their car-seat belts. Little Bear was so hysterical his attempts to help them were only a hindrance.

After 20 minutes of coaxing and talking to them through the windows, Tank was disturbed that he still couldn't unhook his belt or get out of his coat -- he REALLY wanted to unlock the door for me -- he wanted to be first. Sugee Boogee was 3/4 of the way out of her car-seat and could reach the lock, but lacked the strength, knowledge, or concern of the boys. Content in her own little world, she calmly played with her seat, sang songs, and waved at me. Little Bear, still bawling uncontrollably, finally wriggled himself up out of the middle seat belt. He unlocked the door as my wife called for the last time (I lost track of the number of calls that went back and forth).

A good Samaritan at the grocery store overheard a phone conversation and offered to bring her (and the rest of the keyring) up to the gas station to let us into the car. She thanked the nice lady as she got out of her car, and waited at the store for our return. It's a good thing she called that last time, I wouldn't have been there when they arrived.

This evening after dinner, Little Bear looked at my t-shirt and said, "I think you are a Smiley man because of your smiley shirt." I tried to explain that we shouldn't forget our smile when scary things happen, because Jesus is watching over us, but he was more interested in hiding under the bed, and not missing his turn in the bathtub. It was an eventful day -- but I just realized, I forgot to ask if they even needed to swipe the little discount tag at the grocery store.

Thankful Random-ness & Multitudinous Blessings

As the year closes, I've been considering a number of various items. So many that I couldn't possibly blog everything in a coherent or cohesive manner. Consequently, I feel it's my duty to inform you: This post will be disjointed, but, in spite of that, will still (hopefully) convey a glimmering of my thoughts.

Blessings:
- great wife (patient, loving, compassionate, even-tempered)
- Little Bear is alive, healthy, and normal -- in spite of the DRs' predictions
- so are the twins
- Varmint #4 is on his (or her) way
- have a great pastor, a very good church, & (soon) a hard-working assoc pastor
- able to work (& have more job offers than I can accept)
- our mini van has needed minimal repairs... since 2003!!
- my new (to me) trumpet


Things I enjoy:
- the twins' nap-time (Mommy likes it more)
- Sunday church services (even if I preach)
- Organic candy (candy that's good for me -- imagine that!!)
- receiving a backrub (without asking for it -- "just because")
- King's Kids on Wednesday nights
- helping others
- listening to Little Bear pretend to preach, lead singing, prepare messages, & volunteer to do special music for church: "so Daddy doesn't have to do so much"
- Publix Premium Eggnog ice cream... need I say more?
- finding "new" passages in my Bible that somehow I've missed over the years
- grimy little hands that want to give me hugs (& dirty little faces that still want to kiss my "scratchy-face")
- watching the Varmints 3 grow, develop new skills, & learn new things
- reading a book (OK... several books)
- listening to good, conservative music (our "christian" radio stations aren't)
- finding money (& saving it, & receiving it, & getting gift cards, etc...)
- building things for the Varmints 3 -- and watching them enjoy them
- feeding cows (a few of them let me pet them)
- being given a box of new (to me) books to read
- keeping informed of what's happening in the lives of friends & family thru their blogs and Facebook pages
- petting the neighbor's Rottweiler (she's 100+ lbs, & thinks she's a lapdog)


Things I like:
- being the best Boggler in a small church =D
- cool & nifty new gadgets, and I really want a bug (of course, then I'd feel like I must teach myself to program them, so it's probably best I don't)
- getting a start on cataloging all our books at LibraryThing (if you don't want to click the link, scroll down this page and you'll see a list of random book covers on the left -- altho for some reason a few don't show the covers)
- the versatility of e-Sword (free Bible study program)
- being able to renew my library books online
- having an alternative to Wikipedia -- even if it isn't complete yet

My "Pew" Version of Reality

Was catching up on the news last night (generally read my news by skimming the Yahoo feeds) and found the Pew Internet & American Life Project. Lots of neat articles, survey results, and quizzes to take there. (Like I really needed more things on which to waste my time.)

The one that first caught my attention was the Internet Typology Test to tell you "where you fit in the new typology of information and communication technology."

In every quiz, I find there are always questions I could answer several ways, depending on the mood I'm in, so I took the test 3 times and answered each time based on each of my "normal" moods. It seems that I fall into 3 of the 10 categories. Normally, I'm a "Lackluster Veteran," with forays into "Connector," and "Omnivore" on a fairly regular basis.

Not surprising, since I've yet to take any tests that put me squarely into any single category. Usually, I seem to exhibit some major traits of several categories, and never exhibit other major traits of those same categories.
I've often wondered, does that mean I'm well-balanced? or just weird?

I've been sourced!!!

Suppose it was bound to happen... someday, but I have officially been "sourced."

Here in south Florida, our county (Broward) has ~10% of it's surface area covered in water: canals, creeks, ponds, lakes, and other inland waterways. Our firemen pull cars with bodies in them out of the water every year -- mostly people that panicked -- and didn't survive their panic. Also every year, our local media outlets (radio, TV, and newspapers) dutifully run stories of how to survive water crashes.

A friend from college (that now works as a writer at the world-famous, AIG) was concerned about water crashes, so the other day I quickly compiled everything I could remember of the myriad segments and interviews I've seen, heard, & read then shot it off in a 10 point email. Evidently, it wasn't too dreadful, because it's now posted -- verbatim. Which is pretty neat -- even if it's "only" sourced on a blog and I was only going from memory -- it's a start. Had I considered the possibility of it being posted, it would have contained "official" sources -- and I would've paid attention to how well it was written. Incidentally, my favorite "saga" on her blog (so far) -- that of "Superphone" -- has been alternately amusing, entertaining, & downright hilarious.

Anyway, it's made me think about starting to write those books I've been putting off... although, I realize that's a long drawn out process that could take 6 months to a year to get ironed out. Or perhaps starting on that music CD that people at church have been requesting... that should only take 4 to 6 months to get all the copyright and production problems squared away. Maybe I could just start on that idea for a political blog I've been throwing around. I know it would only take a few minutes to start... although, the ongoing research and postings that should be done to keep it current and viable would last until the next election in November... almost a year.

Hmmmmmmm.

Definitely have too many irons I want to put in the limited little fire that is my life -- and not quite enough time and effort to properly handle them all simultaneously. Think I'd rather just go wrap Christmas presents for the "Varmints 3" and worry about my goals, aspirations, and ambitions later.


The older I get...
the better I understand my Dad.

My Prayer

As a rule, I'm not the most poetic of souls. I like some poetry, I read some poetry, and I even write some poetry (generally for my wife), but don't usually go out of my way for it. That said, I found a really great poem that I thought was worth repeating here:

My Prayer
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Let me not die before I've done for Thee
My earthly work, whatever it may be;
Call me not hence with mission unfulfilled;
Let me not leave my space of ground untilled!
Impress this truth upon me--that not one
Can do my portion that I leave undone;
For each one in Thy vineyard hath a spot
To labor on for life, and weary not.
Then give me strength all faithfully to toil;
Converting barren earth to fruitful soil.
I long to be an instrument of thine,
To gather worshipers unto thy shrine;
To be the means, one human soul to save
From the dark terrors of a hopeless grave.
Yet most I want a spirit of content
To work where'er thou'lt wish my labor spent,
Whether at home or in a stranger clime,
In days of joy, or sorrow's sterner time.
I want a spirit passive, to lie still,
And by Thy power, to do Thy holy will.
And when the prayer unto my lips doth rise,
"Before a new home doth my soul surprise,
Let me accomplish some great work for Thee."
Subdue it, Lord! let my petition be,
"O! make me useful in this world of Thine,
In ways according to thy will, not mine."
Let me not leave my space of ground untilled:
Call me not hence with mission unfulfilled;
Let me not die before I've done for Thee
My earthly work, whatever it may be.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
from the PRIMITIVE CHURCH (OR BAPTIST) MAGAZINE. June 1, 1864, p. 136

I couldn't find any info on who wrote it, only that it was published in the periodical mentioned above.

Books Less Than a Penny -- Books By The Pound

I've discovered a valuable resource for book-a-holics (others like me) -- actually several resources.

The first is LibraryThing.com. I've (slowly) started cataloging all of my books -- in my spare time. As they're entered I've been attempting to tag each one -- so I can sort my library by book title, location, or subject and find everything quickly. Our family has several thousand books, so finding books quickly is important to me.

The second valuable resource is Freecycle. If you have extra stuff lying around your house, find the closest group (or 2) to you, describe the item to be picked up, what major intersection you're near, and when you'll be available. Someone will be able to use your "good junk" and you won't have to throw it away. The best part is, other people are getting rid of stuff you may want. In the last week I've gotten 4 dozen books... FREE! One of the ladies in my Freecycle is a homeschooling mom that runs a bookstore!! Since "religious" and "history" titles don't sell well, she sends me an email to tell me when to come over! Now I just need to read all these great books she's given me.

The third great thing is another website: The JR Miller Archive. Yes, the same James Russell Miller that was a well known Presbyterian (no, I haven't changed churches) in the late 1800s and early 1900s. He wrote a number of books, and they're online free of charge -- almost like a "mini-Project-Gutenberg" -- only -- just one author. Now if I only had enough free time to be able to sit down and read them all.

The last wonderful thing (for now anyway) is another website: WordClay.com. It's a DIY self-publishing company. Maybe it's not exactly "wonderful," but it's at least taken away any excuses I had for not writing those books -- the ones I've had in mind for a few years now.

What was that?

Two old hillbillies walked into a restaurant, ordered cornbread and beans, and sat down at the bar to talk about the "new" cars that had been added to their junkyard that week.

A young woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table suddenly began to choke. After a few seconds, it was apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies turned to her and said "Ma'am, kin ya swaller?"

The woman, standing by this time, shook her head, no.

As she staggered into the counter, he asked, "Wahl kin ya breathe?"

Turning blue, the woman again shook her head no.

The hillbilly stepped over to the woman and in one quick motion lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her drawers, and gave her left "cheek" a big lick with his tongue.

The woman was shocked and coughed so violently that the spasm sent the obstruction flying from her mouth and across the counter.

Nonchalantly, the hillbilly turned back to his seat and said to his partner, "That shore was simple enuf. I heerd 'em talkin' bout that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' on the radio t'other day, but I hadn't never seen nobody do it before."